You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
