dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
