I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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