I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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