I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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