Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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