now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
