I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
