I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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