so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
