fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is this like a preordered booty call?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
