Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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