can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
