Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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