She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
