i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
