my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
