I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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