Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
