I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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