remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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