I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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