1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
