My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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