Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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