he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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