Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
