I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
