went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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