But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
