He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
