I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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