Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
