Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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