At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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