So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
