I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
