Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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