Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he thought i was a dude.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
