i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
