I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
