I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
