the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
