I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
