are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
