I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
