I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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