can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
