what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
