so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
