I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
