considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Is that strawberry winking at me??
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
