It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We need to get me chipped asap
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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