Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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