i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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