I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
