we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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